Sidehill Gouger

The Sidehill Gouger

Artist: Walter Bender

My father had the unhappy tendency to tell the same jokes and stories until violence threatened. He did this partly to share his brand of hilarity, and partly to annoy the heck out of poor slobs trapped within earshot. One of his worn out tales concerned cows with legs shorter on one side than the other. The freakish cows' legs were mismatched from grazing on steep mountains while perpetually facing in the same direction. Some cows had shorter left legs, and some had shorter right legs. My father's deformed cows sound a lot like the sidehill gouger. 

The sidehill gouger is yet another "fearsome critter" from North American folklore. They're peaceful herbivores, who live in mountainside burrows, and lay between six to eight eggs. If you look closely at the painting above, you'll notice the mother is a "left-sided" gouger, while her pup is "right-sided." This tragic occurance results in much heartache when the unfortunate pup is unable to follow its mother around their mountain home. When gougers try to travel in the wrong direction, they tip over and fall, rendering them helpless to wild predators and human hunters. Another difficulty occurs when "left-sided" and "right-sided" gougers manage to mate and produce pups with mismatched legs. For example, the offspring may have a short right front leg, and a long right back leg. These sad little pups soon become a predator's meal.   

           

     A goat-like gouger

It's said gougers from the Appalachians have fur only on the side facing away from the mountain. Apparently, rubbing against the boulders on the mountain's slope wears the fur off, leaving the skin smooth to the touch, and tough like leather. Those characteristics make the gougers' furless side very attractive to handbag makers. 

   

A badger-like gouger with corkscrew tail

It obvious no one truly knows what a sidehill gouger looks like. While some observers swear the gouger resembles a goat, others keenly insist a badger fits the bill. Even the creature's name is cause for disagreement. Though sidehill gouger is the most popular tag, other names include wowser, hunkus, rickaboo racker and cutter cuss. It's certainly enough to make me cuss! In Vermont, the gouger is called the wampahoofus. Enterprising farmers of that state bred the creatures to cows so their bovines could easily traverse the mountainous environment. This must have been the origin of my father's cow story. Personally, I like sidehill gouger the best. They walk on hillsides, and gouge out a path in the process. 

The French dahu.

North America isn't the only country with loopsided creatures traversing the mountains. In France you'll find the dahu, a mountain goat-like animal easily captured with ground pepper. The unsuspecting dahu, smelling the scattered pepper, violently sneezes causing either a rocky concussion, or a sudden roll down the mountainside to the hunters below.   

There's also claimed to exist the sidehill or wild haggis of Scotland. The less said about that little creature the better!    

The Tarasque

It's always wise to chew your food.

This terrifying creature devouring a hapless knight or peasant is called the Tarasque. Though originally believed to hale from Galatia, a part of central Anatolia in modern Turkey, it became famous in the French city of Nerlic (Provence), where it persistently ruined the countryside and refused to be killed. Not a prepossessing beast, this semi-dragon scorched retinas with its six short legs, turtle shell, scaly tail with nasty scorpion sting, and the face of a miserable old man. Worst of all, its breath was like flames. Obviously, Scope had not yet been invented. 

 

Daddy

The Taraque came by its beauty and charm naturally, as its parents were a scaly, incineratory, bison-like creature named Onachus, and the biblical sea serpent Leviathan. The apple didn't fall very far from the tree.

He was in such a hurry he forgot his pants!

You can't say the King of Nerluc didn't try having the Tarasque removed from his territory. Tired of chaos, death and destruction, he relentlessly assaulted the beast with brave knights and loaded catapults. To his great dismay, nothing seemed to work. Finally, along came Martha.

Martha was a charmer.

One day, St. Martha (48 AD) heard of Nerlic's troubles. Promising certain success, she confronted the Tarasque armed with only a cross, holy water, and demure white dress. I don't know why she's not wearing white in the above picture. Maybe the white dress got dirty, so she changed. Standing barefoot before the Taraque, she charmed the beast with hymns and prayers until it became gentle as a kitten. Then, using her severed braids, she lead the now tame Tarasque back to the city of Nerlic. Unfortunately, the story did not end happily.

 

Kill the beast!

Nerlic's peasants, terrified to the point of loosing their retinas completely, attacked the cowering Tarasque and killed it. The poor tame Tarasque offered no resistance and died in Martha's arms. The weeping Martha, being a good Christian girl, forgave the peasants and set to work converting them. Successfully converted, the now contrite peasants (and King) changed the town's name to Tarascon in honor of Martha's fallen friend.

 Tarascon's coat of arms.

The story of St. Martha and the Tarasque contains many similarities to Beauty and the Beast. Both feature a frightening monster tamed by a gentle maiden, and horrified townspeople bent on its slaughter. King Kong is another example much like the Tarasque's tale.

This Beast looks a bit like the Tarasque. He has the air of an old man.

The Beast isn't the only creature who resembles the Tarasque. Here's a dinosaur called the Ankylosaurus, sporting the distinct look of the Medieval monster. As it became extinct 65 million years ago, it had no knights or peasants to snack on when hungry. 

Hoover those peasants!

Lastly, here's a vase by Pablo Picasso based on the Tarasque. This type of animal-like art is called zoomorphic. It can be found at the National Museum of Wales. I think it looks like a vacuum myself.