Sidehill Gouger

The Sidehill Gouger

Artist: Walter Bender

My father had the unhappy tendency to tell the same jokes and stories until violence threatened. He did this partly to share his brand of hilarity, and partly to annoy the heck out of poor slobs trapped within earshot. One of his worn out tales concerned cows with legs shorter on one side than the other. The freakish cows' legs were mismatched from grazing on steep mountains while perpetually facing in the same direction. Some cows had shorter left legs, and some had shorter right legs. My father's deformed cows sound a lot like the sidehill gouger. 

The sidehill gouger is yet another "fearsome critter" from North American folklore. They're peaceful herbivores, who live in mountainside burrows, and lay between six to eight eggs. If you look closely at the painting above, you'll notice the mother is a "left-sided" gouger, while her pup is "right-sided." This tragic occurance results in much heartache when the unfortunate pup is unable to follow its mother around their mountain home. When gougers try to travel in the wrong direction, they tip over and fall, rendering them helpless to wild predators and human hunters. Another difficulty occurs when "left-sided" and "right-sided" gougers manage to mate and produce pups with mismatched legs. For example, the offspring may have a short right front leg, and a long right back leg. These sad little pups soon become a predator's meal.   

           

     A goat-like gouger

It's said gougers from the Appalachians have fur only on the side facing away from the mountain. Apparently, rubbing against the boulders on the mountain's slope wears the fur off, leaving the skin smooth to the touch, and tough like leather. Those characteristics make the gougers' furless side very attractive to handbag makers. 

   

A badger-like gouger with corkscrew tail

It obvious no one truly knows what a sidehill gouger looks like. While some observers swear the gouger resembles a goat, others keenly insist a badger fits the bill. Even the creature's name is cause for disagreement. Though sidehill gouger is the most popular tag, other names include wowser, hunkus, rickaboo racker and cutter cuss. It's certainly enough to make me cuss! In Vermont, the gouger is called the wampahoofus. Enterprising farmers of that state bred the creatures to cows so their bovines could easily traverse the mountainous environment. This must have been the origin of my father's cow story. Personally, I like sidehill gouger the best. They walk on hillsides, and gouge out a path in the process. 

The French dahu.

North America isn't the only country with loopsided creatures traversing the mountains. In France you'll find the dahu, a mountain goat-like animal easily captured with ground pepper. The unsuspecting dahu, smelling the scattered pepper, violently sneezes causing either a rocky concussion, or a sudden roll down the mountainside to the hunters below.   

There's also claimed to exist the sidehill or wild haggis of Scotland. The less said about that little creature the better!    

The Teakettler

Artist: Costas Koutsoukos

 Book of Imaginary Beings by Jorge Luis Borges (1899-1986)

Lumberjacks either enjoyed fooling gullible people, or spent way too much time in the woods surrounded by trees and one another. In any event, a fourth "fearsome critter" brightening American folklore is the Teakettler. Like the Axehandle Hound, the Teakettler hails from Minnesota and Wisconsin. Resembling a short legged dog, with cat-like ears, the Teakettler races around backwards while doing its tea kettle impersonation. No, that shrill whistling noise you hear is not your tinnitus kicking up, its the Teakettler blowing off steam. It LITERALLY blows off steam. While running backwards (Teakettlers always run backwards), steam pours from its mouth, and a high pitched shreak announces its presence. A shy creature, it's only been seen by a few lumberjacks in the right place at the right time. So if you happen to be in the woods, and hear a tea kettle whistling, it may not be campers making breakfast, but the Teakettler doing its crazy, backwards, steamy race. 

           

The Squonk

In the hemlock forests of northern Pennsylvania can be found a "fearsome critter" called the Squonk. Like the Axehandle Hound, there's nothing very fearsome about this sad little beastie. It's wrinkled skin and many warts may provoke a cringe or two, but no screams of terror. 

The Squonk is a shy creature who hides to conceal the wrinkled skin and warts found ugly. Thinking itself hideous, it sniffles and cries constantly, dreading the occasional passerby who may point and laugh. Strangely, its loose and bumpy skin is held in high regard by some, inspiring hunters to track and capture the unhappy animal. Though tracking the Squonk is a simple matter of following the tear saturated gound, actually catching the weeper is much more difficult. When cornered, the Squonk sobs and blubbers until completely dissolving into a pool of salty liquid. 

One man, named J.P. Wentling, succeeded in catching a Squonk by mimicking its sobbing and miserable howling. Stuffing the creature into a bag, he ran off with his prize until noticing the bagged burden suddenly lightened. Peering inside, he discovered all remaining was some liquid and nothing more. His cleverly captured Squonk had melted away to a mess of tears.

If you'd like to try your hand at catching the elusive Squonk, it's said chilly nights slow its flow of tears, and discourage its traveling among the hemlock forests. As its habitat has sadly shrunken, finding the elusive beastie may prove more difficult than ever. Be sure to take many tissues.

             

Axehandle Hound

Another American "fearsome critter" of the Splinter Cat variety is the Axehandle Hound. I should explain that fearsome critter is a collective term for mythological beasties created by early lumberjacks to frighten and confuse yahoos like you and me. This particular critter is allegedly found in the states of Minnesota and Wisconsin. The Axehandle Hound looks like a dog with a distinctly axelike shape. The head is the blade, the body the handle, and the whole bundle is made mobile by four stubby little legs. Those stubby little legs propel the hound from lumber camp to lumber camp in pursuit of food. You may be wondering what such a critter eats. It eats AXE HANDLES naturally. All the Axehandle Hound eats is axe handles. It wanders from one lumber camp to another in search of neglected axe handles. Though the Axehandle Hound is called a fearsome critter, I don't find it very fearsome myself. I think it's kind of cute. It does have a strange diet though!

  

Jorge Luis Borges included the Axehandle Hound in his Book of Imaginary Beings. You can find it on Amazon HERE.

If you would like to experience the woods firsthand, somewhere in Minnesota there's a campground called Ax-Handle Hound. According to Wikipedia, it's on Little Fork River near the Voyageurs National Park. Lindens Grove is very near by. If you ever go, keep a close eye on your axe handles.

 

Splinter Cat

One legendary beastie found over much of North America is the Splinter Cat. This terrifying kitty is about as large as a Bobcat with a strong muscular neck, a broad head containing nothing of any consequence, and a bony skull plate that's harder than a Ram's horn. It also has an unfortunate propensity towards nasty headaches. The headaches are caused by its method of hunting tasty chipmunks, squirrels and opossums in the thick mountain forests it calls home. Since the little dinner morsels tend to hide in tree hollows, the Splinter Cat climbs a neighboring tree, and hurls itself head-first into the marked tree's trunk. It will hurl itself over and over until the poor tree is nothing but a mass of splinters, and the meal is captured and consumed. After eating, the strange kitty takes a nap, partly because it's full, and partly to sleep off its splitting headache. As Splinter Cats are nocturnal, you probably won't see one during daytime forest walks. But if you do, remember its terrible headaches cause a perpetual foul mood, and may require your hasty retreat from the area. This is especially true during mating season, when the males show off by destroying as many trees as possible in a frenzied display of strength. In a note of caution, if you should meet a Splinter Cat, DO NOT hold still, but jump around shouting while spinning your arms like a windmill. This is so the Splinter Cat won't confuse you with a squirrel containing tree, and try to split you open. 

  

The obvious result of a Splinter Cat attack.